Just leave the money on the table

Let me tell you about how I lost my virginity, about that magnificent moment in a young mans life. It was just a continuation of a funky lifelong relationship to sex that started when I was just a young buck.

So, I’m 19 years old and I was a born-again Christian, dating another born-again Christian named Christy and not only were we not going to have sex until we were married but we weren’t even going to kiss until we got married. This of course was all in the name of honoring our Lord and Savior. The heathens around us could do whatever they wanted, but we were living sacrifices to Christ, yes, we wanted to kiss, but no, we would not. We wanted to be in the world but not of it. This is how you end up going down on your girlfriend while never once letting your lips touch her mouth lips, these lips would only touch her other lips, the aftermath was always the same – extreme guilt. If it was so bad why did it feel so good?

No one, that I can remember told us to do it this way, I must have read it in a book somewhere and thought it sounded good. This was around the same time that I was trying not to masturbate because my friends dad had told me – “you can profess your faith and tell me how much you believe, but what really matters is when it’s just you, Jesus and Satan sitting in a room together, which one do you choose?” So, hormones raging like a bull, I would constantly choose Satan by rubbing one out and then I would watch Jesus cry in the corner of my room, He was always so disappointed in me.

I was working at a Mexican restaurant in Milford, Connecticut, which can also be referred to as the fifth ring of hell. Christy’s brother worked in the kitchen and I was waiting tables. One of the girls that worked at the front desk was a stunner. Dark eyes and dark hair. The kind of girl that never even looked at me in high school. I had bleached hair, had a couple of tattoos and wore shoes with hot rod flames on them. I was a 90’s punk rock kid. I didn’t drink or smoke or anything of the sort, but one night after work some of the crew went out and I went out with them, it was good to love the sinners but not the sin after all.

Afterwards, I drove this girl home and she invited me into her house at which point my hands got really sweaty and clammy, I went with her, she lived at home with her parents who were asleep upstairs. It was a nice big house and we sat on the couch downstairs, she turned the television on crept up closer to me. I could feel the tension and the heat of her body, she kissed the side of my neck and nibbled on my ear and the next thing I knew we were making out. Oh God did I feel horrible! But Oh God I felt so good! I was like Ricky Bobby, I had no idea what to do with my hands, but she guided me around and slid them to the right spots. She whispered in my ear and said “I want you to fuck me”. People really talked like this!? I felt like I was in one of the porno mvoies I would watch and then feel horrible about. So I did, for a good minute or two and then I came.

Before I even had the chance to start beating the shit out of myself, she pushed me off of her and started to cry, she ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I was in another world, a new one, I had tried so hard to hang onto this precious shiny virginity of mine and I just lost it. I had tried so hard not to kiss my girlfriend only to kiss this girl I ended up having sex with. I zipped up and walked towards the bathroom, I could hear her crying inside. I knocked on the door and she said “Leave me alone! I can’t believe you! Why don’t you just leave the money on the table and get out of my house!” I tried to get her to come out of the bathroom, she didn’t. So I left and as soon as I shit the door, I started crying.

I got in my car and started driving, all I could think of was killing myself and the lies and the receipt that laid ahead of me, my poor sweet girlfriend, what was I going to tell her and now Jesus was super disappointed in me, crying his eyes out over my lustful decisions. I thought about how I could attach a spike to the steering wheel of my car and drive full speed into a wall, I thought about it a lot on the way home, ending it all. Instead, I broke up with Christy shortly thereafter and had sex with the restaurant girl again. I only lasted a minute longer.

Thoughts?