The Unexamined Life

Some people go through life with no thought as to why or how or what any of this means, they have no thoughts of morals, ethics, or reason. They live an unexamined life, doing whatever they want, whenever they want.

I live in a town with a lot of these people. They surf, they do whatever drugs they can get a hold of and they drink from morning until night. There’s nothing more to their lives.

Sometimes I’m envious. I look at their lives and every now and then, I wish I could feel that empty. I’ve lived that life and enjoyed it, but even there, I’ve never been able to escape the weight of existence and meaning.

There’s no internal voice calling these people to live up to something, no urge to create or contribute. They’re content to eat, shit, fuck, sleep and pass the time. It looks like a simple life. But how does it differ from the life of animals? Does a moment ever come from them when they wake up and realize they’re wasting their one life on Pornhub and hangovers?

It’s much easier to see, here, in this surf town. But they exist in every country, in every town, and in every city. Here though, in the land of the sloths, it’s easy to live this way, they can live on a smaller budget. It’s harder to live like this in Brooklyn or San Francisco, where it costs 7,000 dollars a month to live in a closet.

It’s harder to be active here, it’s too damn hot, and it’s a place people come on vacation. A place to do nothing.

This is hard for me and my hamster wheel brain, which is always searching for some underlying meaning, for a connection to something greater than myself, or for a meaning to life.

When the town empties out for slow season and there aren’t many tattoos to do, I end up in an existential crisis. I need to work on my own projects and to maintain some routine, otherwise, I go rancid.

Sometimes I want to live like a sloth, to have no ambition and no desires, but it’s so fucking boring. I know I don’t really want to live like that, that it looks nice, but it’s a trap. Every now and then though, I’ll get tired and I’ll take a little break. My routine will fall off and I’ll take my eyes off my goals, and get undisciplined and I’ll do whatever I want, whenever I want.

This story always ends the same way, with me being a miserable fuck. So I do the opposite. I’ve got no choice, and when I do, I feel good.

 

 

 

 

for a way to be consistently happy and present. I’m constantly wondering about how I’m doing, compared to what I could be doing. Or I get frustrated about all the things I’m not doing, I sit there and

Searching history for answers, for examples of great minds and their thoughts on this experience of life.

The Rapture

It’s slow season down here in Mal Pais. It rains a lot throughout the days, and most nights there are crazy powerful storms.

Around a month ago, my wife and I were woken up in the middle of the night by a crack of lightning. I swear to God I thought it was the rapture and Jesus was coming back.

First, there was what sounded like a bomb explosion and then a crack of lightning like I’ve never heard in my life.  G and I instantly grabbed onto each other thinking it was the end of the world. The dogs were trying to get under the bed, my heart was racing like crazy, she was crying. It was terrifying.  The storm kept on through the night, eventually, we drifted off to sleep again.

In the morning the storm had passed. The jungle was there outside, with its clicks and chirps. I woke up, walked downstairs with the dogs and made coffee. The dogs pushed each other out of the way in an attempt to get more attention. I thought of the explosive sound and the incredible power of that crack of lightning, it was fascinating.

I remembered a woman I had tattooed who had been struck by lightning, it had exited her body through her feet and calf, three different exit points. She had lost her husband, but I think her son survived. They were all struck.

We live on the land where thunder and lightning play and I’m good with that. I was just glad Jesus didn’t come back becasueI would have been fucked.

ON Losing Virginity

Let me tell you about how I lost my viginity, about that magnificent moment in a young mans life. It was the beginning of a funky life long realtionship to sex that started when I was just a young buck.

So, I’m 19 years old and I was a born again Christian, dating another born again Christian named Christy and not only were we not going to have sex until we were married but we werent even going to kiss until we got married. This of course was all in the name of honoring our Lord and Savior. The heathens around us could do whatever they wanted, but we were living sacrifices to Christ, yes, we wanted to kiss, but no, we would not. We wanted to be in the world but not of it. This is how you end up going down on your girlfirend while never once letting your lips touch her mouth lips, these lips would only touch her other llips, the aftermath was always the same – extreme guilt. If it was so bad why did it feel so good?

No one, that I can remember told us to do it this way, I must have read it in a book somewhere and thought it sounded good. This was around the same time that I was trying not to masturbate becasue my friends dad had told me – “you can profess your faith and tell me how much you believe, but what really matters is when it’s just you, Jesus and Satan sitting in a room together, which one do you choose?” So, hormones raging like a bull, I would constantly choose Satan by rubbing one out and then I would watch Jesus cry in the corner of my room, He was always so dissapointed in me.

I was working at a Mexican restaurant in Milford, Connecticut, which can also be referred to as the fifth ring of hell. Christy’s brother worked in the kitchen and I was waiting tables. One of the girls that worked at the front desk was a stunner. Dark eyes and dark hair. The kind of girl that never even looked at me in high school. I had bleached hair, had a couple of tattoos and wore shoes with hot rod flames on them. I was a 90’s punk rock kid. I didn’t drink or smoke or anything of the sort, but one night after work some of the crew went out and I went out with them, it was good to love the sinners but not the sin afterall.

Afterwards I drove this girl home and she invited me into her house at which point my hands got really sweaty and clammy, I went with her, she lived at home with her parents who were asleep upstairs. It was a nice big house and we sat on the couch downstairs, she turned the television on creeped up closer to me. I could feel the tension and the heat of her body, she kissed the side of my neck and nibbled on my ear and the next thing I knew we were making out. Oh God did I feel horrible! But Oh God I felt so good! I was like Ricky Bobby, I had no idea what to do with my hands, but she guided me around and slid them to the right spots. She whipsered in my ear and said “I want you to fuck me”. People really talked like this!? I felt like I was in one of the porno mvoies I would watch and then feel horrible about. So I did, for a good minute or two and then I came.

Before I even had the chance to start beating the shit out of msyelf, she pushed me off of her and started to cry, she ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I was in another world, a new one, I had tried so hard to hang onto this precious shiny virginity of mine and I just lost it. I had tried so hard not to kiss my girlfriend only to kiss this girl I ended up having sex with. I zipped up and walked towards the bathroom, I could hear her crying inside. I knocked on the door and she said “Leave me alone! I can’t believe you! Why don’t you just leave the money on the table and get out of my house!” I tried to get her to come out of the bathroom, she didn’t. So I left and as soon as I shit the door, I started crying.

I got in my car and started driving, all I could think of was killing myself and the lies and the deciept that laid ahead of me, my poor sweet girlfiend, what was I going to tell her and now Jesus was super dissapointed in me, crying his eyes out over my lustful decisons. I thought about how I could attach a spike to the steering wheel of my car and drive full speed into a wall, I thought about it a lot on the way home, ending it all. Instead I broke up with Christy shortly thereafter and had sex with the restaurant girl again. I only lasted a minute longer.

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Poems

Living here in this town, on these dirt roads

roads of mud

and snakes

and crabs

and potholes

these roads that have carried thousands

upon thousands

quite possibly millions

of souls.

Cocaine, weed, beers

children, bricks, rebar

wood, bamboo, surfboards

guns, knives, MDMA

nails, water, dogs

books, pens and computers.

The road doesnt care.

The ocean doesnt care.

The sky, the clouds,

they are all indifferent

to your flat tire

your hurt ankle

your lack of gasoline

or your mood.

The potholes are there

the ocean is there

to the right or the left

the palm trees stand

they sway and wag their tails.

The road receives the rain

receives the friction of the rubber

the piss of the dogs

and the drunk men

the hooves of the horses

and the spit and the vomit

of the tourists.

It will change your perspective,

living in this town.

Driving on these roads

will change your body

your mind and your soul.

There is nothing romantic

about these jungle roads,

the snakes are cut in half

by the tires of a higher food chain

the crabs

suffer crabschwitz.

The jungle is not soft

the roads that are made by man

are not kind.

The sin is strong

the sun is strong

and many a weak man

is brought down

upon the surface of this land.

The Storm is coming

The boy leans against my calf

his fur warm

against the cool wet air

heavenly strobe lights

and thunderous drums

accentuate the momentum of my fingers

Shoki sits by my side

we are out here

out in the open, a roof over head but no walls

the water spritzes in here

onto this computer

which has been broken since the day I bought it.

He doesn’t give a fuck

and I make it into something

other than just a storm

something more

taking the events of a day

and placing them into

moments of importance

or moments in the wind.

God damn

the lightning is terrifying

so loud it makes me jump

this lighting is above us now

the crack, the sky rips open

thrashing up there

crying out and smashing

rumbling and gone

a flash that makes the hairs stand on my arms

he presses closer.

I look over to the couch and Mia is there, face buried in a pillow

unaffected.
SHoki isn’t scared but he is close

it is so intense

Never storms like this

I put Stupa, the girl pup

in her crate.
Smart move, she would have run, into this

into the terror – trying to escape what she ran right into

a long trip on these roads

to the beach across town

where she walks with Giulia.

Mia goes up on her back legs and leans against the bed with her front feet and whines.

I just did yoga and jiu jitsu moves

and massage with a rolled up towel.

the pain in my shoulder

it can torment me

become my loop

Tonight, in the flash of the lightning

the crack of the night sky

I told my body to fuck off,

that I was stronger

then the bullshit tension

I will defeat it.

my skeleton is god damn good

just some tight muscles is all.

Shoki is under the bed

a roach of some kind crawls

to my left on the inside

of the mosquito net

which is open

because the wife is away.

the ceiling fan tics a random rhythm

this, also because Giulia is away.

I like the air moving

I like it more than still air.

Mia sucks on her towel.

I tattooed for 8.5 hours the past two days

Had a couple of beers and took two bumps

I’ve been so disciplined

lately

that I haven’t let my SELF go

This is with my friend Brandon

who I am very happy to know

I tell him I’m happy to have him

in my life

in our lives.

He sat four hours

yesterday

and four hours

today

He was born in Canada

on a fishing boat on March 22

I was born in Connecticut

in a hospital on March 21

1978.

The fan ticks around

the mosquito net sways

the dogs are down

and I am up.

The feeling of Switzerland

I don’t know what Switzerland Alps feel like

But now I have an idea.

The Italian Pre Alps

I just got married to Giulia

in Bassano Del Grappa

and now we are at her Papas wedding

in the Alps

In a five star hotel

millions of trees outside

the framed glass doors

It pays to make wise decisions

It’s a luxurious room

feels like a honeymoon suite

but we’ve only been alone in spurts

its family time

I don’t want family time

I want us time

and there I am

selfish in the Alps

I never got to be selfish here before

but her family

especially this side is pleasant enough

and welcoming and generous

they paid for our wedding

they rented us this room

they’re paying for our whole time here

and those trees will bury us all

and these mountains will stay there

looking down at us and laughing

and not caring at all, ready to crush us

until the last breath of the earth

They say life is a beach

these people say life is a mountain

at least that’s the internet networks name.